There's Shnowing!!!

There's something about being a Momma. Like everything in life is bigger, better and more real. Everything matters more- no matter what that every-thing might be.

E is in school full-time, this is his 2nd year. And it's sad to me, a big part of it, that he spends more of his waking hours away from home than at home during the week. When he started Grade 1 last year it really made me realize how quickly the time I have with my little peeps at home actually goes by. Everyone always says it, I always realized it as they celebrated their 1st, 2nd, and 3rd birthdays all in the blink of an eye. But once he left, once he started school... it sunk in very real.

I blink my eyes, and my little has grown into a not-so-little. Into a big. Going to school, playing hockey, having friends over and going to friends. Not because anyone needs any "baby-sitting" but because he is developing his own social life. Not to sound cliche or like a broken record, but I'm telling myself more than anyone else: they grow up soo fast!!!

Right now, I am cherishing still having 2 at home full-time. I realize how quickly these 2 will be gone and off to school. Ez will already start Kindergarten next year and be gone for 2 1/2 hours every day. Little M is not far behind.... The hours and minutes can feel like eternity but the years fly by. Is that ever true.

I sometimes joke about once my minors are all in school, my house will be spotless! I'll be able to mop the floors and no one will spill all over it 34 seconds later. I can clean the bathrooms without little boy pee going everywhere the next time a little boy goes pee.

But I'll be honest: I'd much rather have the messes. I'd much rather have the soundtrack of the day be the pitter pattering of little feet running around while playing, the cute sounds that only brothers and a sister can make while playing together, the joyful expressions, and my personal favorite, the crank-up-the-volume-and-dance parties (thankfully those we usually do so many times a day that we have them after school, too!)

Our littles are so blessed in the sense that they have 2 full sets of great-grandparents that they are growing up knowing. When we go visit their Omas and Opas, Ez never knows which one is which. So he'll ask "Are we going to visit the Opa with hair or the Opa without hair." Yes, one of my grandpa's has a head full of hair, and the other has none. I laugh every time that he came to this decisive conclusion of how to tell them apart all on his own. Adding a last name doesn't help him, but discussing how much hair they have does....

In keeping on the journaling-because-I-don't-want-to-forget theme, I have to add some of my favorite things from the past little bit. I have recently become Pretty Little's favorite person. I'm eating that up. Her daddy had that role, and now... it's all mine! (For this week, anyway!) I'm just going to relish it for as long as it lasts! That girl... she is just made of cuteness. When she falls, she says "Whoa! Bumpy!" Serious? And for "Yup"? ... you guessed it "Yuppie!" She adds "ie" to just about everything. Seriously cute. I could eat her and her dimples!

The minors have started unloading the dishwasher together. Besides the obvious gong-show that entails, it is unbelievably sweet to be on the sidelines and watch....

We played mini golf recently, and our minors had never done this before. E walked up to the putter and grabbed it like he knew exactly how to do this, took it like a hockey stick and was about to take a slap shot on the golf ball when we saw this and went running so no one's head would be met with a flying golf ball on a mini-golf course. Needless to say, the guy's obsessed with hockey. And thought golf, having a stick and a small round thing you hit it with, must be just like hockey....

Ez. If I tried to journal every funny or memorable thing that boy did, I'd be journaling 24 hours a day and there would be no paper or internet space left to fill. The boy is crazy. Crazy and sweet. Unbelievably sweet. How do the 2 get mixed together so purely and so perfectly and so totally? With him, that's how. The boy will sacrifice just about anything for himself if it means the welfare of his little sister. Of his idea of welfare for his little sister. Like she would rather have the stickers, so she can have them instead of him, even though he really wants them. Yes, he is her unwavering protector. Unless she takes a toy from him, then he gets upset. But only he is allowed to get upset with her, no one else better ever get upset or lose patience with her....

It snowed last week for the first time of the year. Ez remembers snow from last year, obviously Little M does not. (Last year when it snowed, my OCD Ez got all stressed out and asked me to "clean it up! sweep it up!") This year he was crazy excited and all 5 of us were outside playing before 7am in the fresh snow! He remembered how to make snow angels without any reminder, and was making a whole bunch of them in the tiny little bit of snow we had. Anyway, all day long he kept saying "There's winter on the ground! There's winter on the ground!" Yup. That's a great way of putting it, little buddy.

Pretty Little, on the other hand, she kept saying "Shnowing, Eika's houshe!" (How she says her name.) The thing is, she was using the word snowing as a noun, not a verb. "There's shnowing on the ground at Eika's houshe!" would have been the long version of what she was saying.

And the best part? She couldn't believe we'd leave our yard and see "Shnowing! Eesha's house!" at Lisa's house. Or "Shnowing! Oma's house!" at Oma's house. Or even "Shnowing! Hockey hockey!" at the arena.

How could I ever not want these conversations and expressions to not be part of my daily life? Stopping time would be a great thing right about now.... Oh I love my little family.

On Turning 30

I guess it's official, I am old. 30. Thirty. THIRTY. THIRTY!!!! Weird. It seems weird.

While it obviously doesn't feel any different than being 29, it's the idea that's weird. My whole adult life I've basically been in my twenties, and now I'm 30. A new decade.

I'm excited about this decade. My 20s were a big time of learning about who I was, what I was (although that is a daily/monthly/yearly journey, isn't it?), and growing into myself. I learned to love my curly hair- like love love my curly hair. Not just be okay with it, but be happy that it's curly and actually not want it to be straight. That is defining for me. It's been a struggle and a source of feeling ugly my entire life. And now in the past little while I have realized I truly love it. Crazy and uncontrollable and having a mind of it's own. (I'm living vicariously through my hair at times.)

This last decade, my favoritest person ever and I brought 3 beautiful children into this world, we started our family. We also finished our family. (Barring any post-surgery surprises! I doubt we'll have any of those. Although last time I said we are never having any more kids, I read a positive pregnancy test days later [while properly using birth control]! So I will never again say never when it comes to reproduction. Lesson learned. And as a side note, how thankful am I that our Little M was a surprise gift to us, I couldn't imagine not having her and how much I needed a pink bundle of 'her' without knowing I needed her!)

We celebrated our first decade of being married. A decade! That is super awesome. I met Ben when I was 16, we started dating when I was 17. He's been my favorite person for almost half my life! How crazy is that!?

I started my 20s living in Sacramento, California, then moved to Phoenix, Arizona, and now live in the Winnipeg-ish area of Manitoba, Canada. How's that for some changes!?

I let go of my first-born in the area of he now spends more waking hours during the week away from home than he does at home. I don't look forward to doing that with the other 2. Not at all. It's good for him, but I still cling to the days that he has off, to Christmas Holidays and Summer Break, to snow days that cancel school, to making forts when the power is out from storms.... I embrace those days because with E in school, I realized just how quickly those few years I get with them at home actually go by.

We lost a precious Momma. Ben's Mom fought tooth and nail against cancer, but that is one fight she would not win. We talk about her, we remember her, we tell our children about her. That is a huge event we went through in this last decade of mine. Definitely the hardest event. Oh how I miss her.

I look ahead to great things in this next decade, though. As much as I don't want my little family to grow up- I know that inevitably they will. And while that is so very hard to think of, I am also looking forward to the days of not having to pack an extra pair of clothes for the newly-potty-trained child in our life (whichever child it might be at the time), or having to worry about car seats at some point in my 30s. I am looking forward to being able to pick up and go and know that our children are old enough to get what they need for themselves. Not wiping any more bums. Not brushing any more teeth. (Although I really, really hope they still want me to read them stories before bed.) I look forward to Ben and I being able to go out by ourselves, and E being old enough to be the one at home and in charge. (Oh I cringe just thinking of that! No!! No I don't want that!! But I know it's coming one day, and when it comes as much as I don't want any of them to ever be that old, I'm sure it will be nice for my man and I to be able to take dates a little more often than we do now!)

I'm excited to start this decade having more fully grown into my sense of self. Who I am and what I believe about this thing called life. How naive and immature I was at 20! It feels good to know that while we all have our naive and immature moments at any decade of life, the past 10 years has definitely grown me up. Having children, journeying with my Ben, living the daily ins and outs of life- these are the things that make us grow. I am happy with that growth, and happy to keep growing, too.

And most importantly, I have my 4 most favorite people in the world to celebrate this decade-turning with. I am so blessed, so very, richly, truly blessed.

Birds Hill Baby!!

We went to Birds Hill last weekend to camp. It was fun. So. Much. Fun. Especially after the last month-ish with things being so crazy around here with being in the hospital and recovering and all that- so glad to be feeling normal again!!!
Anyway, our family needed some reconnect time, and, well, Birds Hill hit that spot perfectly.
So, the funny thing is that at one point on our many, many bike rides... well, I hardly even know how to describe this. But let's get to it anyway.
We had gone 3 or 4 miles already on this particular ride (add that to our mile walk in the morning) and our 3 year old was getting pretty tired by this point- understandably so. The boys and I were on bikes by ourselves, Ben was on his bike pulling the bike trailer, with fishing gear sticking out the back of the bike trailer, and our sweet little lab Zoey tied to the bike trailer trailing behind. That enough was quite the site to see. (Although I have gotten fairly immune to that site as pretty much every camping bike ride looks that way. I can only imagine what the people we pass who don't have kids must think of our zoo.)
Well, the 3 year old got tired. So what did his Daddy think of doing? Well, put the bike on top of the trailer and let the 3 year old stand on the back frame of the bike trailer holding onto the handle that you would use if you were using the bike trailer as a stroller, of course! That was a hilarious site to see. Another bit goes by and the just-turned-7 year old was getting a bit exhausted. K- now imagine this:
Ben riding his bike pulling a bike trailer with a 1 1/2 year old inside packed with fishing gear, fishing poles sticking out the top/back, a dog tied onto it running beside, Ez standing on the back frame facing backwards holding onto the stroller handle, and E having a rope tied to that same handle holding onto it while riding his bike to help give him some extra oomph going up the hills. (Almost looking like he was being towed behind a boat and wakeboarding or something....)
I sat back and laughed. Like laughed laughed. It was flipping hilarious- HILARIOUS!
(yes, that is all one connected train of both people I love and hilarity.)
And on one of our many hikes through this gorgeous massive park, E saw a rock he thought would be great for planking. So he planked.

Then Ez had to have a turn planking.

What happened next? You guessed it. Little M needed a turn planking. She has no clue what it is (well, neither does Ez for that matter, but the 1 1/2 year old for sure doesn't.) but she sees her brothers doing it and of course she needs to have a turn.

It was funny. Seeing a 1 1/2 year old little girl trying to plank on a rock....
I have to add on that this was the very first time my Little M ever has had a pony tail, let alone pig tails!! Very excited about that.

The weather could not have been more gorgeous and the leaves are changing and we saw reds and oranges and yellows and greens and.... My goodness, God made a beautiful world and it was so nice to explore yet one more corner of it.

Did that really just happen?!

7 out of 10 days in the hospital (and while going through it, it felt more like years than days). 9 IV/blood draw pokes. 1 bruise that covers over half my forearm and is insanely gnarly looking and every shade of yellow, green, blue, and purple you can imagine. 5 days without any food, and going into that post surgery and already lacking in nutrition. Way more fentanyl and morphine than I thought I'd ever have in 10 lifetimes combined. 1 less gallbladder, then still stuck with stones and excruciating attacks, then sent to another hospital for them to take out the leftover stones by sticking a scope down my mouth and past the bottom of my ribcage (fun!), still more excruciating attacks, and finally, pancreatitis to wrap up the good times.... I think I'm finally safe to say the worst is over and I'm slowly but surely starting to get some energy back.
Both my bad gallbladder attacks and my pancreatitis attacks (which was the same pain in the same spots to me) were worse than childbirth- well, E's and Little M's childbirth anyway. Probably tied with Ez's childbirth. Pain that feels like if it was literally even one drop worse, you would drop dead from it. My body did that over and over, multiple times a day, every day, for far too many days/ weeks in a row. One can only take so much of that extreme, sharp, knife twisting and writhing pain- physically, mentally, emotionally.
My husband and I both completely broke down on day 9 of this while I was up in my shared hospital room and he was at home with 3 little people wishing he was sitting in my little corner of the hospital room. We both couldn't take it when they said I had pancreatitis and it would be another 3-4 days in there. I already missed E's 7th birthday and his first day of school earlier in the week.
I was at the end of my rope, a friend called me at the hospital that night and asked how she could pray for us- knowing both B and I were losing it / had lost it. I didn't ask her to pray for me to come home, to pray for Ben being pulled in every direction (child care, work, dishes that need to be cleaned simply to eat the next meal, and a very sick wife in the hospital). Nope, I asked her to pray that tonight, this one night, please just let me have the room to myself. I cannot stand the thought of hearing anyone else, of seeing anyone else. I need to have the room to myself. 3 people had come and gone in the time I was there. And tonight, I needed to be by myself.
I am so glad that prayer was answered. And the next morning, I went home. (And a few hours later, I was back.... But then home again.)
I think it's finally safe to say the worst is over. And it's a long walk back to normal, but we've finally started walking....
(And I'm not meaning to minimize the hell this was to our family. It was. There are not words for me to use how difficult this whole thing was for both Ben and I. I've never ever, in 13 years of knowing Ben, seem him the way he was this last while. I've never felt this at-the-end-of-the-rope and utterly alone myself, either. I just don't have the words or the energy to try and adequately describe what the last while was like. And for our poor sweeties, getting shuffled from one home to the next to the next. A different home every day and sometimes multiple homes in the same day. Thankfully we had people to watch them, but it was most definitely not an easy while for them, either....)
Now to all recuperate. And glad we already have a camping trip for later this month planned to all get away together, and some time still before that happens so I can keep on walking that long road of 'back-to-normal.'

Direction... Or Something Like That

I'm trying to figure out where I fit in right now. I get to this point when I don't have a tiny little baby who needs me so much anymore. She's still a baby, we're still in diapers, I still have to get her stuff more often than her bigger brothers, she still needs me to carry her at times and be hands-on in my care of her. But she's not an "itty bitty baby", as her 3 year old brother would say. She's a 1 1/2 year old baby.

And I don't have to sit and nurse her or give her bottles anymore. And that right there frees up a good couple hours of my daytime life compared to when I did have to do those things for her. And now what?

Don't get me wrong, I looove being a stay-at-home momma and would seriously not rather want to be anywhere else. I don't want anyone else raising my babies, I want to raise them. I don't want someone else stepping in and doing the day-to-day acts of making their food, or playing games, or teaching them, or even wiping their bums- I want to do it. It is a service of love and gratitude for the fact that I, I get to be their momma. I don't deserve it, and yet I still get it- what a blessing that is!

At the same time, I feel like my brain needs challenging. I need some work- something to do to occupy me and keep my mind busy and give me something to do outside of taking care of my 3 minors. I feel like I'm wasting a very big part of me: my brain.

And while I know that nothing is being wasted right now: I am the hands-on care for my sweeties, I get to take care of them while they are forming who they are and what they believe about life and about people. And I love that. To be clear: I. LOVE. THAT!!!!!

That being said, I still feel like I'm missing something. I want to do more. What am I missing? I don't know. Last time I got to this point when Ez was Little M's age I got a part-time job as a cashier- which I loved, by the way. It was the perfect addition of something I needed just for me. This time around I feel like I have a degree, why not put it to use?? Maybe get a part-time job doing something in business/accounting?

So I guess I don't really know what I came on here to say, other than something is missing from my life right now but I don't yet know exactly what it is. I need to find some direction....

(And hopefully I find something a little more clear than this!)