'What's This?' You Say

My Floors Need Mopping? Well, then, feel free to pick up a mop and bucket... don’t let me stand in your way. I mean, I know you’re jealous because I’m on the phone, chatting with hot customs agents all day and all, but come on!

It’s not like I’m trying to figure out how to move out of the country and all.

What do we need to bring our dog? Oh, I have to call a different number for pets? Okay, sounds like fun! Oh, and house plants?? SURE, I’d LOVE to call the agricultural number to find out about that. It’s actually what I was hoping you would tell me, because I love more than ANYthing to be on the phone ALL.DAY.LONG. Especially when I have 2 children to work it around. Oh, sorry, you hear that screaming in the background? My 3 year old figured NOW was a good time to dump water over my 4 month old’s head. No, no he doesn’t NORMALLY do stuff like that, but granted, his mom has been on the phone his entire awake life for the last, oh, 3 days or so… he may just be trying to get some attention, so I’m gonna go ahead and call it good.

Yes, yes I’m trying to find out about moving our truck out of the country. Oh, we can’t move our truck out of the country while we owe on it? We have to pay it off first? Sure, let me dip into my nonexistent bank account for those thousands of dollars we have stashed (all this financial trouble I’ve been talking about is really just a façade, really, we have money pouring out our ears!! I know, I’m excited about that too!!) Okay, so I can get a 30 day permit to bring our vehicle out of the country and then figure it out once we’re there? Great! Oh, we still need approval for that. Oh, and you want to make sure we don't just move it and ditch the bill, I get your concern. Yes, we have a JOB and are GOOD PEOPLE. You don’t care? It all looks the same on paper and that’s what you care about?! Well, I have to get off the phone and feed my baby. Why can't I keep talking while I feed him? Good question! I used to be able to talk on the phone while I fed him, but he just got his first 2 razor sharp little teeth through a week or so ago, and like his big brothers great timing, he decided NOW was the right time frame to start biting me when I feed him, so I actually have to watch him like a hawk while he's eating to try and catch the biting BEFORE it happens. Really, that way you just don't have to hear a sharp inhale followed by my counting to 10 to avoid ear piercing screaming coming out of my mouth. So just request the 30 day permit and call me back… thanks a zillion.