Trying To Peek Around That Corner

What will it look like? What will life be on the other side of this bend?

Right now I am in a dry, barren desert. The sun has been scorching me, the ground is dry and cracked. There is no vegetation. I am walking through this, trying to survive, trying to remember that there is a world out there, somewhere, that is much more beautiful than where I am. And I see this mountain ahead. I have been walking on mostly level land for as long as I can remember, some ups and downs, but mostly the same. But now I just need to climb this mountain. I just need to do this one big, huge, overwhelming task to get to the other side.

The sheer stress of it is enough to almost make me want to stay where I am.

Almost make me want to stay in this dry scorching dessert, but on level land.

I know where I am, as much as I don’t like it, I am familiar with it. I know it. I know what to expect.

I don’t know how to muster up the energy and will to climb this mountain. I feel so empty and drained from the last while of wandering out here all by myself.

Do I stay in a dry barren place where I have grown comfortable, where I know what to expect, where I do not need any additional energy to climb this mountain?

Or do I find strength within me that I never knew I had. Strength to climb this mountain, after I feel that all my strength has already left me.

My strength was used to not break apart when we were in the midst of all the loss…. And even then.... The loss of things didn’t make me lose my strength, the mental stress of every single day, Every. Single. Day. wondering how to work this all out. Of praying that Ben does not get hurt at work because we have been one hurt-spell-off-work away from not being able to put food on the table for as long as my hindsight will allow me to remember. Of not having health insurance and praying that our children will stay the happy healthy children that they are. Of never having a spare 15 minutes with my husband when we are not strategizing, planning, or figuring out. Of pouring my heart and soul out to my Jesus and asking Him to hold me ever so close, ever so close. Because this I cannot do by myself.

I am so very weak from the last while, but it has not yet hit me fully.

And now, with this mountain standing in front of me, that needs to be climbed in 8 days, it is hitting me. I am almost paralyzed by this weakness and it is making me useless. I cannot pack, I cannot hardly put my children to bed for a nap without breaking apart just a little bit more. It all requires too much strength.

And I think to myself, if I can just climb this one last mountain, get through this one last hurdle, life has the opportunity to be just glorious. With flowing rivers and green grass and luscious trees and fields of flowers and breezes through my hair and the sun ever so gently kissing my cheeks.

I need to just draw on strength that I can’t find, that I don’t yet know I have. I know it lies somewhere within me. God laid this all out for us, He will give me the strength I need. I will get my house packed, I will get my children down for a nap, I will be able to climb the stairs at the end of the day to put myself to bed as well.

And once this mountain is climbed, and once we are on the other side, I cannot wait for what God has for us. I cannot wait for my husband to go to work, and come home from work, and be home. Not in the office working, not in the garage cleaning up his work equipment. Not even talking about who we need to collect money from to pay our own bills, and which bills we need to pay and which to put off for another day. Not coordinating his work schedule and finding the closest dump to where his jobs are that day.

He will come home and he will be home.

My precious E will be able to jump on his daddy when Daddy walks in the door, and the evening will start, and we will all be a family, together. Not all at the same address, but working separately.

We won’t have to discuss bills, because they will just be a normal mundane thing that get taken care of.

Life won’t be a picnic or a fairy tale. Life won’t be super easy and a 365 day a year vacation. Life won’t be without problems, because life always has problems.

But I hope, I think, once this corner is rounded and this mountain is climbed, life will be a little easier. I’ll be able to breathe a little deeper. I’ll be able to slow down a little more.

I will be able to just be a mother, a wife, a woman.