It's Gotten Mostly Easier, But A Bit Harder, Too

5 years ago today the phone rang at 6am. I was still halfway sleeping, and Ben was getting ready to go to the gym before work, like he did every day.

The phone was right next to the bed, so I rolled my 9 month pregnant belly over and answered it.

It was Myron, Ben's step dad. And he told me that the woman who was a light to all of us finally let go and passed away in her sleep the night before.

He was crying. I was crying. I told him we loved him, and I was so sorry, and at the same time so glad for her to be done suffering. She had been suffering terribly.

And then we hung up promising to speak later that morning, as this news was still only minutes old to even Myron, and he was trying to figure out what to do next. And I had the task of telling my husband that the one close family member he had was no longer alive.

I called Ben into our room and I was not sure how to say this. It was something we had kind of been expecting, yet nothing you are ever ready to hear about your 50 year old mom, all at the same time.

We cried together, we hugged each other, we prayed for strength together.

Her being a midwife, and me being 9 months pregnant when she passed away has always made her death share an extremely important part of my heart: the same part that my son's birth takes up.

Maureen was and still is a mother to me. There have been literally hundreds of times since she died that I have said "I wish I could call Maureen and ask her what she thought about this."

I wish she could have held her first grand baby, who was born 18 days after she died.
I wish I could have shared my birth story with her, she would have loved to hear it.
I wish I could have shared my pregnancy with Ez with her, and now this one, too.
I wish I had her to call every time I had a baby and a question to ask.

Maureen, full of grace, full of life, full of love.

Once again, as we have said since being pregnant with my dear E and she was first diagnosed with cancer, if we have a girl she will be named after her Grandma and have the same middle name: Grace.

She will forever carry a part of her Grandma with her as her very own.

That would be one special little girl, to be named after such a beautiful woman.

I am blessed to have had her in my life for 5 years physically. But the things she passed on to me will be part of my life forever.

Rest in Peace, Maureen.