Crazy Excited!!!

So tonight I'm leaving for 2 nights. I've never been gone from my boys for as long as I'm going to be gone now, so I'm a little sad to leave. But let's be honest people, my oldest will be 5 in September:
I'm crazy excited to have a full day where between when I wake up and go to sleep I have nobody that will need me!!!!!!
That will be a little different from what I've experienced since giving birth for the first time in September of 2004. Man am I crazy excited.
I'm also glad for my husband to have our little peeps for the full day, because that's never happened where he's solo'ed it from wake up to bed time.... Good for him to know what that's like, too!
I'm so blessed to have such a hands on husband that encouraged me to go for a little weekend away and is looking forward to "boy time" with his 2 little monkeys and do hunting in the "forest" behind the house where we're house sitting and have some good time with his boys.
I sure do love my boys and know I'm going to miss them terribly, but honestly, I'm so excited to have 6 meals where nobody needs me, and an itinerary that will focus solely on what I want to do, and not revolve around nap time or bed time. And, you know, those 2 days will fly by and then I'll be home with my little loves and cuddling them before bed time Sunday night and smothering them with 48 hours worth of hugs and kisses....

Just To Clarify...

My blog right below this one (where I talk about the unexpectedness of having a 3rd child, and our choices and what we thought were our plans) were in no way put on anyone else, or meant to be negative or anything judging or coming across negatively towards people who have larger families (whatever your definition of larger families is, including the 3 children that I was referring to, which would be a larger-ish family in my opinion).

Seriously, this is strictly talking about my point of view and preferences for my own family, how many children I was planning on parenting, etc....

Whether you have 0 kids or 20 kids doesn't matter to me, I'm talking about my own point of view about my own family. Obviously the size of a family only affects me when it's my family I'm talking about. I don't personally think there's anything wrong with having a large family, or a small family. I think the only people that can make those decisions and have a say in what is 'right' and what is 'wrong' are the parents to that family, the ones that need to take care of however many children they are responsible for bringing into this world.

Towards the end of my blog, I wrote:

I know quite a few people that all have 3 kids and I have never thought anything about it. I guess when it's me that's expecting a third there's a double standard or something that I put on myself. It changes the way I see myself, and everything I thought I was.

Seriously, it's about me. Not about you. So please don't take it as anything else, okay?!

(Just like I'm so excited for it to be December and to meet this sweet little baby. It has nothing to do with the little person we're expecting, it has only to do with how things aren't always what we plan, how we planned differently and have a very big life changing surprise to get used to, how I know beyond a shadow of a doubt once I meet my little baby I won't be able to imagine life without him or her [I already feel that way], but at the same time, I'll still be a mom to 3 little sweeties, which was not what we ever thought. That's all it's about.)

Thanks!!! (insert smiling face here)

Is It Really True?!?!

Still trying to get used to it. The fact that I'm pregnant, that is. That we won't be our "perfect sized little family of 4" as planned.
Nope.
And here's where it gets tricky. I have, for the last 19 weeks, been scared of getting to this point, the point where I'm starting to look pregnant.
I'm not entirely sure why I feel that way. But I feel like people are going to see me with my 2 boys and then my pregnant belly and judge me for having a 3rd.
My husband has always been particularly convicted of not having more than 2 because of the whole overpopulation reason. You know, the world is already way overpopulated and can't sustain itself, and he doesn't want to be a family contributing to overpopulation by having more than what will replace us. I can understand that, because if everyone had a houseful of kids that grew up into consuming adults who got married and had their own houseful of kids... it just exponentially multiplies! Could you imagine the chaos, poverty, overuse of resources, etc... that would still be yet to come?
Anyway, my reasons are more of the "not wanting to have a huge family" variety. We like to go! And even with 2, we'll put our boys to bed at friends if we're out, because we don't want to be tied down to being at home by 7:30 every night. And, you know, there are more reasons aside from that. If only you could read my journal, then you'd know why. But, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings who may read this, so I'll just leave it at that.
And now I think people are going to automatically see me and think I'm one of "those" types that want a ton of kids.
Nope, not me at all.
We really had always said 1 or 2, at the most. And here I sit feeling the glorious feeling of my sweet babe kicking me while I type.
And it gets real again: I'm having a third sweet baby.
And I'm so excited for this little surprise, soo excited to meet the person that is my baby. Boy? Girl? Name?? Personality??? Can't wait to hold my little baby in another few months!!
And to give birth again! I can't wait to give birth again. The most beautiful, exhilarating event in the entire world, in my opinion.
(It so isn't about this baby, or E, or Ez... just the fact that the combined total of my children will equal 3, which is 1 or 2 more than I ever thought in my craziest imagination that I'd ever have!)
Honestly what does it matter if people think I do want 3 kids? It doesn't, I know that in my head. But yet I still find myself wanting to tell people that it was a huge surprise, that we were done, that my husband already had the appointment made, and that we had to wait so long for an appointment because we were waiting for him to get a greencard and health insurance. But, having the appointment made doesn't mean that the surgery has already happened, By no means. So, baby #3 is on the way. And we'll be the big family. And we'll need to sell the small SUV we just bought 2 weeks before finding out we were pregnant because it doesn't fit 3 car seats in it (or 2 car seats and a booster).
I haven't had a stranger approach me and ask me if I'm pregnant yet, but that ball that's forming and getting bigger each day is already a giveaway to people who know me, and soon to be a giveaway to people who don't....
So, if you see someone walking down the street who's pregnant and already has a child on each arm, please just know that maybe she didn't plan it before judging her.... She could very well be me!!
The interesting thing is, I know quite a few people that all have 3 kids and I have never thought anything about it. I guess when it's me that's expecting a third there's a double standard or something that I put on myself. It changes the way I see myself, and everything I thought I was.
So, here I go. Learning more about who I actually am by more events outside our control.
Hey, at least this unplanned event is a reason to celebrate and be happy and grow life and feel sweet baby kicks and get to kiss a downy forehead at the end of it all!!

Yesterday: My First Experience Being A Parent To A Baby Getting Stitches

Well, let me clarify he is 1 1/2 as of last month. So I guess not really a baby anymore, but you know, my babies have always been my babies till almost 2.... That's really when the baby baby wears off.
Anyway, Ben had to golf (grr....) yesterday after work. He's not *exactly* what you'd call a fan of the sport, but it was with people he couldn't exactly say no to (his boss, for one. The owner of all the pizza chains in this province of a huge international pizza chain who he does a lot of work for. You know, people he can't say no to.)
So, I was with 2 of my cousins in the afternoon and their husbands both were not home that evening either. And we decided it would be fun to pack all the kids up and go out for supper, and invite another friend who was also solo-ing it that evening. It was a great idea! I thought my boys will be so happy to have 7 other children to play with while we are out and then we'll get home and it will be bed time and I'll have a nice quiet evening until Ben gets home....
Ahhh.... dreams can be nice, right??
Well, right after we finish eating, I let Ez get down to play with the 2 other 1 year olds that were there with us. And I even said to one of my cousins earlier that day "I'm a bit nervous to let him play there... he's just SO busy and clumsy..."
So, he's down and playing and I see from across the table him trip a bit, no big deal rushes through my mind.... Except then what I really see is the 3 other adults I'm with all say "oh my goodness" or something to that effect as they clasp their hands over their mouths, and me, on the other side of the table, didn't really see what happened, but after seeing that I jump up a little more quickly then I was going to and go grab my little baby. Who's still laying on the floor not even trying to get up, but yet screaming at full volume.
And I pick him up to comfort him and then I see blood. And blood, and blood and more blood. And more and more and more blood. There was so much blood! (Amazing how much blood came out of that cut!)
And they all 3 tell me to go to the ER because they think he needs stitches.
Me, always petrified of being the mom that goes to the ER because of a hangnail, second guesses this. I say "are you sure? do you really think so?" Of course, I can't actually see his cut because there's just so much blood and I can't wipe it up fast enough to get a glimpse of it. But they all say I should go, and I am kind of in agreeance at this point, and so one of the friends I was there with, Lisa, offers to drive us.
As we get in the car and I'm turning him around to buckle him I see it for the first time. And I was sure glad we were on our way to the hospital. Because I can see the meat under the skin (the best way I can describe it, sorry about that....) It was not pretty.
Then we're talking and my friend brings up the idea: maybe they'll be able to use that super glue-ish stuff on it instead of stitches.
Oh I hope so! That would be so much easier for him!
The first person I see says the cut is too big and too deep for that, he'll need stitches.
Then the nurse looks at him and says "Oh! We should be able to just clean him up and use the super glue on him- that will be much easier for him!" And I think, great! As she leaves she says she's just going to get the doctor to take a peek and confirm, and then puts a hospital bracelet on his ankle.
He responds to the bracelet by taking his shoe off, throwing it across the room, and yanking at the bracelet because it's making him quite angry. And I think good luck getting him to sit still for his super glue fix!
The doctor comes and takes a look. She says the cut is quite deep and long, and the glue would definitely not be a good fix for this- he needs stitches for sure.
So, stitches it is.
As we're waiting, I'm thinking about how Ben and I have quite often had the conversation that Ez is going to spend quite a bit more time in ERs than E ever will with broken bones, stitches, etc.... And he started nice and young at 1 1/2....
I'm also wondering how in the world they are going to do this with a 1 yr old. Old enough to not lay nice and still, too young to understand this has to be done, and so lay nice and still. This being the same 1 year old that had to be fetched from other people's rooms a billion times while we waited. And the 1 year old that came along with us when his mom brought us there? Ya, he pretty much so stayed in the waiting room that had the toys and books.... Ya, not mine!
Anyway, they told me they were going to wrap him in a sheet and then we (me and one other nurse) would hold him down while the Dr. gave him stitches.
That alone started to get me teary eyed because I could tell how this would play out.
So we wrapped him up. He wasn't a fan of it, but he wasn't screaming or anything. I held down his legs and the nurse held his head still. They could immediately tell we needed another person to hold him down. So, he was wrapped tightly in a sheet, and 3 of us holding him down, and we still could barely keep him still enough for the doctor. He screamed and writhed in pain. He was screaming bloody murder and yelling "mommaaaaaaaaa owieeeeeeee" looking right into my eyes and it was so hard to not be able to do anything! I don't think the freezing they gave him did much, because every single time she would put the needle through the screaming would reach all new heights. I had visions of holding him down while they fixed his intussesception last summer. I was crying but trying to hold it together for him so I could tell him it was okay, even though I don't think he heard me over his cries for help and screaming.
Lisa was in the waiting room (outside our room, outside the whole ER, across the hall in another room) and heard him so loudly she called my cousin and asked her to pray because it was not going well.
Anyway, thankfully it didn't take that long to give him 3 stitches. And then it was over. The doctor looked at her work after and said they weren't quite even (which is quite obvious actually, but not at all her fault as she was doing this on a moving target, hard as we tried to hold him down). She said she wouldn't take it out and fix it unless I wanted her to, to which I said it was perfect the way it was and no way was I going to put him through that again for cosmetic purposes!
Today, he woke up crying pointing at his chin saying 'owie' again. But as long as I give him something for the pain every 4 hours, he's doing fine. He only pulls at his chin when the pain reliever wears off- which I don't want it to as pulling at his stitches isn't exactly going to help the healing process (not to mention, I don't want him to be in pain and remember this whole ordeal he went through yesterday).
So he's doing good, and it appears once again, I'm the only one scarred from what I had to do to him in order for the Doctor to do what she needed to do.
*****
We were cuddling in bed last night before I put him to bed and he was actually laying on his daddy, when I asked him "do you still even love me after what I did to you?" to which he replied by crawling over to me and putting his head on my shoulder hugging me and patting my arm. I'll take that as he forgives me and still loves me with his little 1 1/2 year old heart.

Seriously, I think he's gotta be the cutest 1 1/2 year old boy with a bloody, stitched up, bandaged chin that I've ever seen!!

Seriously clean and straight cut- just crazy!!!

Good Little Tid Bits (Kinda Like Some Bon Bons)

- I got a letter in the mail today from my cousin who lives in 'the city.' I opened it and was very pleasantly surprised to see a handout from her moms club that she's a part of talking about healthy eating.... Well, what do you know, "Buy from local farmers" was one of the suggestions, and (go figure!) Asher Farm was on there! Pretty cool to see our farm being promoted by people we have not even heard of- awesome to see people appreciate what we're doing! And get the reason why we're doing it. Thanks Char!

- Ben took E to work with him today. Very special. E's been asking to go to work with Daddy for quite some time, so a while back they picked out a date on the calendar, and ever since he puts an 'X' on each day before he goes to bed at night. Today was finally the month-long anticipated day! He started off the morning by tagging along to a meeting (the meeting was with someone Ben's had a working relationship with for over a year now- so he was all good with it). Then they went to the houses that Ben just finished building and talked with the new homeowners for a few minutes. They were so sweet to my little E and invited him to the kitchen for cookies while the men talked "new house" stuff. That followed with going to the city offices for whatever reason, and E was just so excited to be at work like "a Daddy" that he sat patiently at the government office (even I have a hard time doing that!) while they waited. And they finished the day off by going to Ben's new office. His boss called E into his office and asked him to watch some Cars videos on youtube with him (talk about a cool boss!) and when that was over, one of Ben's coworkers put E on a chair with wheels and gave him a tour of the whole office that way. Sweet.

- To top that fun 'work' day off, Ben's boss asked E, as he was about to leave, if E wanted to come by his house on the way home and drive dirt bikes for a bit. And check out the geese he hatched at their place (that are now huge). I don't know that any 4 year old boy would turn that down. What I love the most about all this is that Ben's boss never even knew that E would be coming to work, as Ben was not planning on even going in to the office today- but being at his houses and the city and all that.... He was never expecting it and still just loved the fact that Ben brought our little dude in. That says something about where Ben works and who he works for. Just a blessing to be working with such great people- especially in the construction field which is not typically the most tolerant, loving field of work.

- So, this is how my guys ended their long, hard day at work (yes, my 4 year and 10 month old boy is riding a dirt bike ALL BY HIMSELF!!



- The bonus for me that E went to work is that I got a day to just enjoy my sweet little Ez all by himself. Being the not-first-child, that doesn't happen nearly as often as I'd like. So, this is how we spent our hard day at work:

A Bit Much Right Now

I'm not exactly what you'd call in a "good frame of mind" these days.... We're house-sitting for a family that we know for 6 weeks.... It started because they have a dog, and they have a huge yard out here in the country that all need taking care of while they are gone halfway around the world. (Lucky!) We decided we could help out when we were asked....
Their children are all older and in school, so 1-year-old-proof the house is obviously not.
And I spend my 9 or so hours of the day that my husband is at work in a mixture of pulling my hair out of my head in frustration, crying in frustration (I am pregnant, cut me a bit of slack on that one), and trying to figure out how in the world to survive the day.
Keep in mind my 1 year old is not the "typical" 1 year old. He'll run in busy little circles around most other 1 year olds getting into way more, touching way more, and being told "no, don't touch that- you may only look" way more.
I've had the "regular" busy 1 year old before, that was my oldest. And he was busy, but manageable... even though we did have the "pull your hair out" moments.
This 1 year old though, he's something else... a whole new category just for him.
Sigh.....
I should add they have a beautiful house. It's so much more spacious than we're used to and the boys each have their own room, which is nice for this time frame.... They have a trampoline outside and a play house and sand box, and like I said, a dog for the boys to play with.... That's all wonderful.
I'm just a homebody. We can go to a hotel for a weekend and while I love it, I always look forward to the 2 days being over with and getting back home. The longest I've ever been away from home is 10 days. And Ben and I both decided that was a bit too long on that particular trip.... Maybe one day going to Europe for a month would be fabulous. But that would be different because travels and travels and travels oh my!
The funny thing is, that place hardly feels like home, but then uproot us and suddenly, we just want home. Although with how unsettled we feel there, and then coming here... I guess "unsettled" describes our life right now.
Enough complaining from me lately? Sorry about that.
Let me finish with the most fantastic silver lining ever- there is a ping pong table downstairs. So, nights we're both home, after the boys are in bed, you can find us downstairs having a hard core ping pong match talking smack to each other....
And I don't think you'll hear from me for a little while until we are just plain comfortable where we are. Life is just too full of junk for me right now between house sitting, dealing with my sweet boys in a new place, being pregnant (read: extra tired and emotional), having chicken butchering on the mind yet again, figuring out if we're moving in September or not....
Too much for this mama to handle!!

Some Hard Stuff....

I have had this written out for a while now. I have debated posting this because I am having a hard time putting my feelings into words without everything sounding ungrateful, which is not at all how they are intended. Please be gracious with me as I'm trying to be honest, yet having a hard time finding the right words....
At the same time, I had an email conversation with a friend in the past week that had to do with some of this- and I just want you to know (you know who you are) that this was written out well before we talked and in no way was I thinking of that discussion when I wrote this, as our conversation had not yet taken place when I wrote this, so please don't think I'm addressing anything at you!

**********************************************************************************

I once read in a book a girl who grew up in the Congo and later moved to the US mention how she would get so angry every time she'd hear someone complain of hunger. Because, she said, once you experienced hunger like what she experienced, you find it hard to fully love anyone who has not experienced that type of hunger. Where your body hurts because it is so protein deprived....
I am feeling that way when I hear people talk about the economy in a way like they know what's going on.
Unless you lost your house(s), your home, your job, your car, your health insurance while you were pregnant and also had a toddler... your 80 acres of land worth tens of millions of dollars that you just walked away from because it became worthless, your several hundred thousand dollars that you personally had invested in that property- every single penny you had made in your life up until that point, your very own grocery money. Unless you really know what it's like- don't pretend to. It's a slap in the face.
And I have to work on that.
People experience things to varying degrees and that doesn't invalidate their experience any less, just because they maybe didn't lose as much as we lost.
I read magazines occasionally and sometimes they'll talk about "How To Live On Less In Hard Times" or something similar to that. They'll say something ridiculous like "instead of buying your coffee on your way to work, make it at home."
Seriously.
If you're able to come up with money to buy a coffee every day (or even once a week!), then NEWSFLASH: YOU'RE NOT THAT FINANCIALLY HURT!!
And who do you think you are pretending to be?
Or "Instead of buying your clothes at the mall, try Target. Cute styles, less on the price tag."
How about- if you can afford to but ANY clothes- YOU'RE SHOULDN'T BE COMPLAINING ABOUT MONEY!!
I think our oldest wore size 2T clothes until they were about to burst at the seams, because $3 a shirt for a few shirts wasn't worth not buying our couple jugs of milk we'd need for the week.
And I know some people live every day of their life with money being such a concern.
For us, this came so much out of left field. I mean, we were going along just fine in life. Better than just fine. Money wasn't came by easy or all around us by no means, but we definitely were not hurting.
We had a boat, a nice house, we occasionally would go away to a hotel as a family here and there.... And we worked hard for those things! At the peak of the market, we only had our house mortgaged for 50% of what it was worth! Because we kept making "good investment choices" and were able to put a huge chunk down when we purchased our house.
And then....
Well, we realized it had nothing to do with "good investment choices"- it had to do with things outside of our control.
If our money was in the stock market, it would be just as much gone as it was by being in real estate by now. It just would have been a slower death.
And if we could have rode out the real estate crash, then we would have been better on the other end.
But for everything we had to lose, it would have taken millions of dollars to ride that out. And obviously, we couldn't ride it out.
And it hurts, so bad.
In a way that shocks me, actually. Like I didn't think all this would affect my emotions quite so much. It's just money, right? Just stuff?
But no, it's our stability being ripped out under our feet. And knowing you couldn't do anything about it. And knowing that everything we've worked hard for could, again, disappear, seeing as it wasn't our actions that made this happen to begin with.
And it's 5 years of our working to create a good financial base for us thrown out. Completely.
It's like we just got married all over again and are starting back at the very beginning.
Back to an apartment.
Back to paycheck to paycheck.
Back to paying all the bills, but there not being anything left after that.
Back to renting a movie being a mini-luxury (well, not quite to that extreme this time thankfully!)
Yes, those are all obvious blessings. (The fact that we can rent a movie! Obviously we're not hurting anymore! We can pay all our bills, that is such a huge, huge blessing!)
But, still back to where we started nevertheless.
And now we're starting over with 2 boys, and one on the way. And we worked so hard to do things in the right order the first time.
To buy our first house before having children. To make sure we could live off only 1 income so I could stay home and raise our children. And only after we accomplished those things did we decide that we were good to start our family.
And that was exciting to work towards that for several years together!
But, now it's like that was all for nothing. What was the point?
We're back to an apartment.
A place that is not ours. That is quite small, and we're going to add a 3rd baby to this mess of a life?
Where's stability? Where's one pregnancy where I'm not having to deal with so much stuff that life seems constantly like it's filled with turmoil and spinning out of control?
In a time where you'd like to be stable and focused on your body, this time for me is always reserved for life's hardest times.
When I was pregnant with E we were going out of town to visit Ben's mom almost every weekend because she was dying, and she passed away 2 weeks before he was born. Talk about unstable. Watching my husband physically lower his mom into the ground, and burying her by hand with his sister and step dad. Seeing death, and yet growing life and feeling my baby kick and twirl inside of me while watching.
And a roller coaster of emotions I don't wish on anyone.
And with Ez, well when I was pregnant with him we were losing everything, grasping frantically at anything that looked like it would be something that might be worth hanging onto for dear life to help pull us out of this mess. And having to find another place to live. And knowing we'd be moving when he was 8 weeks old, but not knowing how we'd be able to afford another place.
And here we go.... this one isn't losing a parent or our home. But we just don't have a home. We know we'll be moving at some point out of this place, but when? The thought of having a 3rd child in this tiny 2 bedroom apartment does not sound appealing.
I know it's a blessing that we have a roof over our heads we can afford. And in no way to I mean to sound ungrateful.
I'm hurting right now. Still trying to recover from everything we went through. From living day to day in survival mode for so long. Putting one foot in front of the other even when the path you're walking on has disappeared. It's not about the stuff- the stuff can all be here, or go, and either way it's just stuff.
It's about the emotions involved in living so scared of today and what it may bring, trying your hardest to trust in our Providing Father, yet knowing that we don't know the future. And He sure doesn't promise an easy life to anyone. And providing has a different meaning to Him than to us anyway.
Praying, crying out, begging for jobs to make enough money to pay today's bills, to put food on the table for today. Tomorrow was never mentioned, because we learned fully to only think about today- tomorrow was too overwhelming.
That was life every day, for quite some time.
From feeling like we've been married for over 9 years and worked very hard for what we had, and yet it definitely doesn't look that way, as we sit on our couch in someone else's living room.
As the 'things' that I have to make my house feel like a home are boxed up and stored away because we have no room for them here.
Home hardly feels like "home" anymore.
Oh it's so not about the house.... It's about the pain of everything. This hurts, this hurts so badly.

Happy Canada Day!!

So now we get the holiday 3 days early... Happy Canada Day!!

This morning we went to the zoo, which was so much fun! Been a while since we've been to the zoo! Of course, the rest of Manitoba was there, too, as it was "Free Admission Day."

Now Ben is at storage getting everything ready for chicken butchering, which will happen again this weekend. Of course while he's there, we find out everything in our storage unit is under water. While some of the stuff is just misc. garage items and probably won't be too damaged by water, there's also my favorite stuff that we just don't have room for- my favorite decor, pictures, all my books, boy clothes that are in between the boys sizes.... Also, our almost new fridge and almost new front loader washer and dryer. That I miss. A LOT. Especially every Wednesday when I do however many loads of laundry this family of 4.3 goes through in a week.

My wedding dress is there, too.

You know, it's all just stuff, but not stuff I want to throw away because it got ruined by water. As far as stuff goes, I love a lot of what's over there.

Anyway, as soon as he gets home, we're packing up and heading off to some friends house where we'll be house sitting for the next 6 weeks. Not too excited for the ordeal of going over there and getting a very busy 1 1/2 year old adjusted into a new place, that's not at all "baby" friendly. So we'll be putting stuff away as he pulls on it for the first few days, but whatever.... If we can help them out and in the process have a dog for them to play with this summer, then it's all good. Since Jaide (our very beloved sweet dog) died last year, we have all been going crazy to get another dog, but we are waiting until we have our own place and our own yard. So hopefully soon.

In the mean time, E will have a 4 legged friend to take care of for the next 6 weeks.

And, to top the day off, it's a friend's birthday, and so we'll be celebrating outside with a bunch of friends and then having combination Birthday/ Canada Day fireworks....

Busy Day!!

We'll be thinking of all our friends and family on Saturday for the 4th, and missing our traditional 4th of July picnic on our boat combined with lots of wakeboarding and then watching fireworks over the lake parked on the boat afterwards at Lake Pleasant... Good memories.

But, now we celebrate July 1st instead of July 4th, so I guess time to make new traditions once we get settled here a bit more and figure it all out!!